Naruto and The Philosopher's Stone
by soda-denial
Summary: POSTED FOR EVERYONE AT SCHOOL. Crossover! Naruto finds the philosopher's stone one day. Rated for language, mature themes, and dirty humor.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer** : I own none of this crazy-ness . . . err . . . well I own that but . . . I don't own the characters.

**Characters** : Naruto&Kakashi&Sasuke&Sakura, Ed&Al&Mustang&Winry (FMA), Kyle (South Park), Harry&Malfoy (HarryPotter).

**Warnings **: Male/Male, almost rape, random crossovers, cursing, pretty much just crack.

* * *

**Naruto and the Philosopher's Stone**

**O**ne day, while skipping down the road on his way to training, Naruto came across a strange purpley-red jewel. "Hmm . . . I wonder what this is . . ." he thought aloud.

He picked it up and examined it in his hands. "I'll bet that Sakura-chan knows what it is!"

Anyways, somewhere across town, a certain short blond, named Edward Elric, was searching for all the stone. "Dammit, where the hell could it be!?" he yelled into the air. His brother, Alphonse Elric, tried to calm him down.

"Brother, don't be so impatient," he said, "We'll find it!"

Ed scowled at his younger brother. "Shut it, Al! We actually had it in our hands, but then you had to drop it and chase after that kitty!"

"Ed, please don't yell anymore," Al requested.

That's when a certain silver-haired Jounin walked up to the two of them. "Uhm . . . I couldn't help notice that you two aren't from around here . . ." he started.

"Yeah, what of it?!" yelled Ed.

"Well, we don't take too kindly to strangers around here," Kakashi said, with his hand on his kunai pouch.

Al began shaking his hands in front of himself in a "no" sign. "Umm…mister, we don't want any trouble!" Al exclaimed.

"No! Al, it's ok! I wanna fight him!" Ed yelled. "But first I'd like to know his name," Ed said, looking at Kakashi expectantly.

"My name's Kakashi. Hatake Kakashi." Ed blinked and nodded.

"Is this guy a retard or what?" he asked Al, rhetorically.

That was when Sakura came up. "Who's the shorty?" she asked, pointing at Ed.

"I'M NOT SHORT! I'M NOT A TINY PIPSQUEAK WHO'S SMALLER THAN A SPECK OF DUST! YOU DIE NOW!" Ed yelled on the top of his lungs. Sakura blinked, stupidly.

"But, you are short!" she argued, not knowing when to stop.

That was when Ed snapped. He transmuted his mechanical arm into a knife and charged at Sakura, and she screamed.

She looked around for Kakashi to save her. He was over looking through the window of a book shop that had a sign that said "18+" in the corner. Sakura sighed, and then realized that Ed had his knife to her neck. She screamed again, but her yells were in vain.

Ed slit her throat and she let out one last strangled cry, before falling to the ground; a growing pool of blood spreading around her.

Ed panted and Al started yelling. "Oh my god! Brother you just killed a GIRL!"

Ed shrugged.

Kakashi walked back over, arms full of books. "Oh my god! You killed Sakura!" Then Kyle appeared out of nowhere and yelled out "You bastards!" then went away again.

That's when Sasuke came walking up. He saw Sakura's dead body and wanted to jump for joy, but he managed to find a way to restrain himself. Kakashi couldn't help but notice the happy look in Sasuke's eyes as he looked over Sakura's corpse.

Kakashi sighed. Ed was about to attack Kakashi, but that was when he noticed, like really _noticed _Sasuke. "Oh my god, he's so pretty," Ed mumbled. Unfortunately, Al heard him.

"Brother? Are you gay?"

". . ."

That was when Naruto ran up. He saw Sakura's dead body and he chucked the stone away and he raced to Sakura's side.

The stone hit Ed in the head and knocked him out.

"Brother!" yelled Al as he raced to Ed's side. Naruto began to sob, and he was hunched over Sakura's body.

That's when Sasuke kicked him in the side. "Get up, dobe," he told the blond coldly, "she didn't even like you!"

"Shut up! She did so!" Naruto yelled as he glared at the raven-haired boy, "and she did so like me!"

"No, she didn't, she hated you, she told me everyday. She said she wanted you dead," Sasuke said in his stoic voice.

Naruto sighed and stood up. He walked over and picked up the stone. He walked over to Sasuke and smashed the stone into Sasuke's face.

"Ah!" Sasuke yelled out, in pain. Sasuke tackled Naruto to the ground and they began to fight. They started wrestling and they rolled down a random hill. At the bottom, they landed in a big mud puddle. They rolled around it for a bit, then they rolled into a river, and fell off of a waterfall.

But as they were just about to hit the ground, Harry Potter swooped in, with Malfoy on his broom. They each grabbed Naruto's and Sasuke's hands. They swooped up to the top of the waterfall.

They let Naruto and Sasuke down. That's when Harry looked behind himself and saw that goddamn Malfoy was on his broom again.

"Oh Goddammit Malfoy! Why the hell are you here?!" Harry asked in an exhausted voice. Malfoy didn't say anything, he just smirked.

"Uhhm . . . what the fuck is going on?" Naruto asked. Harry and Malfoy were surprised with Naruto's voice.

"His voice . . . sounds . . . cute!" exclaimed Harry. Malfoy nodded.

"Yeah it kinda does . . ." admitted Malfoy. Naruto slowly backed away from the two wizards on the broom, and right into Sasuke.

Sasuke grabbed Naruto's shoulders, to keep them from falling. Naruto turned around and looked at Sasuke.

"Dobe . . . I think I . . . You sh-should know that . . . I love you," Sasuke admitted.

"Err . . . Teme . . . I-I . . . Ah!" Naruto yelled, running away. Sasuke blinked, then looked back at Harry and Malfoy. They were floating on the broom and making out. Sasuke groaned and looked away.

He walked back to find Kakashi, only to find that Ed had woken up and he had killed Kakashi. When Ed saw Sasuke he grinned. Al sighed and walked away because he saw a kitty.

Ed began advancing on Sasuke, and Sasuke was slowly backing up. When Sasuke's back hit the wall, he wanted to scream. Ed held down Sasuke's wrists beside Sasuke's head, pinning him to the wall. Ed leaned in and breathed heavily down Sasuke's neck.

"Hey, weren't you just a lot shorter?" asked Sasuke.

Ed's eyes narrowed. "Yes, but I used the Philosophor's Stone to become taller," he replied.

"Oh."

"Yeah . . . So I'll be continuing now . . ."

Sasuke groaned in frustration. He'd hoped that the questions would have distracted the simple minded blond.

Ed smirked and fingered the bottom seam of Sasuke's shirt. His hands slowly moved down to the button on Sasuke's shorts. He slowly undid the button, that's when he heard a familiar voice.

"Ed! What the FUCK are you doing?!" yelled the ugly one.

"Oh, no . . . It's Winry . . ." Ed mumbled, looking behind himself. He saw the blonde girl standing there with tears in her eyes.

"Ed? What are you doing? I thought you loved me..?" she mumbled. Ed frowned but didn't say anything.

Winry whimpered a little. That's when Ed saw Scar standing right behind Winry. Now, normally, he would have yelled out and told her but, right now, he just figured 'Ah, screw it!'

Scar stuck his hand on Winry's face. She yelled into his hand. He spun her around so that they were facing.

"God has decreed that you must die," he said. Winry screamed and her brains were splattered all over the wall.

Ed and Sasuke blinked. "Wow . . ." Sasuke mumbled. Scar smirked and turned.

"Please excuse me. I have a wedding to attend," he said, pulling off his regular clothes, revealing a suit made for a groom. "I hope Taylor isn't mad that I'm late . . ."

Scar walked away and Ed turned back to Sasuke. "So, to continue what we were doing . . ." Ed mumbled in Sasuke's ear.

That's when they heard another familiar voice. "This town isn't big enough for the both of us!" exclaimed the voice.

Ed turned and looked at Kakashi's dead body. "Why is it talking?" he asked, rather scared.

"I'll be back," said the voice. Sasuke realized that the voice wasn't coming from the body. It was coming from the bushes. Sasuke pointed over at the bush and Ed raced over to it. Sasuke, who was somewhat curious, followed him.

They looked deep into the bush and saw Naruto sitting there, knocked out, in the bush, with a tape recorder.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NNNAAAAAAAARRUUUUUUUUTTOOOOOOO!!!" Sasuke yelled, doing up his pants. Ed blinked at Sasuke's sudden show of emotion.

"I don't think that he's dead . . ." Ed muttered. "But he did look pretty awful when I hit him over the head with that stick . . ."

Sasuke scowled. "How could you do that?!" Ed blinked like a kitty.

"What do you mean? I love you!" Ed exclaimed.

"How could you not consider my feelings on the matter!? I love him!" Sasuke yelled, shaking Naruto's limp body.

Naruto's eyes slowly opened. "Uh? . . . Sasuke-. . . teme?" Sasuke smiled happily.

"Yes, I'm right here," he replied. Ed backed away from them and backed right into Roy Mustang.

"Ah! Mustang! What are you doing here, you bastard?" Ed asked. Mustang looked at him right in the eye, and smiled like Kakashi.

"I'm here to pick you and Al up!"

Ed looked down. "See . . . the thing is . . . I don't wanna go back . . ." Ed admitted. Roy blinked.

"Why?"

"I'm in love!" Ed exclaimed, "With him!" Ed pointed at Sasuke.

* * *

This story was in my notebook, and people were telling me to put it online so they could read it easier.  
Apparently, my writing is messy.

By the way, Taylor (the one Scar was marrying) is my friend from art class.  
-Taryn


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I still own nothing...why would you think that would change from the first chapter to this one?

Ok, well, here's the second chapter! Oh, and Taylor (from the last chapter) is my friend from school. Anyways, uhh...yeah...I can't really tell you to enjoy, because this chapter is rly weird. Huh.

Warnings: ... wait, I did this last chapter...

* * *

**Naruto and the Philosopher's Stone**

_"I'm in love!" Ed exclaimed, "With him!" Ed pointed at Sasuke._

Sasuke was hugging Naruto. Ed's expression darkened. "If only that dumb, short, orange-wearing blond wasn't here," Ed growled. Roy looked over at them.

"Uhh...I think that...that dark haired one likes that blond..." Roy pointed out. Ed blinked then scowled.

"Yeah, so? I like him!" Ed yelled.

Roy sighed. "I'm taking you back. Where's your brother?"

"Not telling!" he yelled, racing over to Sasuke. He latched onto Sasuke's arm and pulled him up. "C'mon!" he whined.

Sasuke pulled Ed off of his arm and sat down beside Naruto. "I'm not going anywhere with you!" Sasuke yelled, glaring at Ed.

Ed scowled and transmuted his arm into a sword/knife-thing again. He took one last look at Sasuke, before jumping at Naruto.

Naruto, who has awesome ninja skills, jumped out of the way. Ed charged after him. Naruto leaped into a tree and hopped away from Ed. Ed was about to chase after him, when Roy grabbed his arms and held him back.

"Now, Ed, don't kill people...Let me do that!" Roy exclaimed.

Ed sighed. "Fine...he went that way," Ed said, pointing to the left. Roy raced away after Naruto. Ed smirked and looked back at poor poor Sasuke-kun. Sasuke gave him a weak smirk, before Ed jumped on him.

Ed, once again, pinned him, but this time it was to the ground. Sasuke made futile efforts to get away, but, like I said, they were futile.

Ed smirked his evil smirk and undid the button on Sasuke's shorts. Sasuke scowled and made one last attempt to get away.

Unfortunately, it didn't work and Ed unzipped his pants. He pulled off Sasuke's pants, flinging them away. Ed frowned slightly when he saw what was underneath.

Sasuke was wearing gay, purple boxers. Ed almost giggled at the sight, although, he managed to restrain himself.

Ed grabbed ahold of Sasuke's boxers and slowly pulled them down, only to reveal...another pair of boxers! This time they were red.

Ed's frown deepened, and he pulled the red boxers off too. Underneath thosee boxers there were some lime green ones.

"Why the fuck are you wearing so many boxers!?" Ed yell-asked.

"...I...Kakashi warned me this would happen," Sasuke replied, hesitantly.

Ed blinked. "Who? That gay-ass cowboy?" he asked. Sasuke nodded.

Ed sighed and reached underneath all of the pairs of boxers and pulled them all off. That's when Envy appeared.

He pushed Ed off Sasuke, and jumped onto Ed. "Ed...I have a confession...I love you," Envy admitted.

Ed blinked and stared at the humunculi. "Are you kidding me?" he asked. Envy solemly shook his head, and Ed blinked a couple more times.

Envy looked at Sasuke, who was putting his pants back on, and smirked. He turned to Ed. "If I turn into him, will you love me back?" Envy asked. Ed nodded.

"If I could have you," Ed said.

Envy nodded and transformed into Sasuke. Sasuke, who finally managed to get all of his pants on, raced away. He did not want to see Ed and "himself" do it.

When Sasuke got out of an earshot away, he sighed. Sasuke walked through Konoha, wondering about what to do.

That's when he saw Roy had Naruto cornered in an alley. Sasuke rushed over to Naruto's side.

Mustang snapped his fingers and shot a blast of fire at the two boys. Sasuke picked up Naruto and hopped out of the way.

They landed a distance away from Roy and raced away. Roy sighed, sadly, and went back to where Ed, and now Envy, was/were. Roy saw Ed and Envy doing things and yelled. "Oh god Ed!" he yelled, lighting himself on fire. Ed didn't even look up.

Meanwhile, with Naruto and Sasuke, they were hiding in a bush. "Do you think he followed us?" Naruto asked.

Sasuke shrugged and got out of the bush. "He's not that great! I can make fire too..." Sasuke said, bitterly.

Naruto sighed. "Whatever, Teme," he said, standing up. They walked to Ichiraku Ramen and had whatever meal for whatever time it was.

Anyways, back to Harry Potter. Him and Malfoy had stopped making out and they decided to head back to Hogwarts. As they transported through dimensions, somehting weird happened.

Sure, they got back to their universe, but Negi was transported to Konoha.

"Huh? Where am I?" he asked, looking around. Luckily for him, Asuna had been transported with him. She looked around too.

* * *

Ok, well, I'm gonna end it there and ... well...uhh...yeah...If you aren't familiar with Mahou Sensei Negima!, then all you really need to know is that Negi is a ten year old mage, and the teacher of a high school class. Asuna is his student, friend, roommate, and I'm pretty sure that he likes her... I'm not sure tho' ... anyways...this chapter is kinda short, but...w/e

Review...If you think it's a proficient use of your time...


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I still own nothing...why would it change from the last chapter to this one?

Okis...I'm bored, and I have the computer for a few hours...so I decided to type this out. Wonderful, ne?

Warnings: SAME AS B4

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**Naruto and The Philosopher's Stone**

_"Huh? Where am I?" Negi asked, looking around. Luckily for him, Asuna had been transported with him. She looked around too._

"Negi-bozu, I really don't think we're in Tokyo anymore..." Asuna said.

"Asuna-san, I wanna go back..." he whined, a little scared.

Asuna sighed. "Negi, don't be such a baby! It's not like we can't go back!"

Negi and Asuna began to walk around Konoha. They walked up to someone and asked them where they were.

"Excuse me, where are we?" Asuna asked.

The person blinked and blushed a little. "Y-You're in...Ko-Konoha..." the girl stuttered.

"Oh, thank you," Negi replied, and they walked away.

"I think I remember Kaede mentioning this place one time..." Asuna thought, aloud.

The girl who they talked to before, who just happened to be Hinata, decided to follow Negi and Asuna.

"Kaede...?" she mumbled. "Li-like...As in the nin who...we-went missing?" Hinata shrugged and continued following Negi and Asuna, using her mad ninja skillz.

"Hmm...Asuna-san? How do we get here?" Negi asked, puzzled.

Asuna shrugged. "I hope we get back soon...Takahata-sensei is going on a buisness trip and I want to say goodbye to him..." Asuna said, blushing.

Negi sighed. He didn't see what she got out of being in love with Takamichi. That's when Negi saw a body laying on the sidewalk.

"Oh my gosh!" Negi yelled, racing over to the body, and kneeling down.

Asuna saw the body's face and squealed a little. "He's hot!" she yelled.

Negi got the sweat-drop thing. He could practically hear Ayaka's voice saying "Jeez, Asuna-san! You really like ancients!" (She means men over age 25)

Asuna reached down and felt for a pulse. "Oh no, he's dead..." she said, quietly. Negi blinked.

"Are you kidding?"

Asuna shook her head. Negi picked up the head of the body. "Let's give him a proper grave," Negi said. That's when a photograph slipped out of the guy's pocket.

Negi picked it up and his eyes widened. Asuna walked over and looked over Negi's shoulder at the photo.

It showed a silver-haired man, with his arm on Nagi's shoulder, and the both of them were grinning.

"Negi, you brat, you didn't tell me this guy knew your dad, Nagi!" Asuna said, knocking Negi on the head.

Negi's lip wavered and looked at the back of the picture. It was dated two years after Nagi disappeared.

"Oh, wow," Asuna saud, noticing the date. "Let's bring him back and ask him where your dad is!" Asuna suggested.

Negi blinked. "But, Evangeline-san said that there is no magic to bring back the dead!" Negi protested.

"Eh! Eva-chan can't tell you what to do all the time!" Asuna yelled, pinching Negi's cheeks.

Negi tried to smirk, but Asuna was pulling too hard on his face. "O-heyyy, I'll ooo iit!" he said, and Asuna finally let go of his face.

Negi pulled out his cool-ass staff and chanted the incantatious spell to unlock his magical powers. After that was over, Negi looked at Asuna. "What now, Asuna-san?" he asked.

"Uhh...I dunno...Say some random magic words and maybe it'll work..." Asuna told him.

Negi nodded and began to chant random magic words. In minutes, Kakashi was reborn.

He groaned and sat up. "Uhh...what happened?" Kakashi asked. He looked around.

Kakashi saw Negi and smiled. "Negi-kun! Nagi was just looking for you! Well...not _just_ looking for you, it was about 5 years ago..." Kakashi said.

Negi smiled, although he was very shocked that the magic he used worked.

Asuna's face was very pink. "Wow..." she mumbled. Kakashi looked at her.

"Oh, Asuna-kun! How are you?" Kakashi asked her. Asuna blinked.

"Do I know you?"

"Yeah! I met you when you were younger! I'm Kakashi!" Kakashi exclaimed.

Asuna blinked again. "I--" her voice got cut off by an odd sight.

There was a kid with jade colored eyes and reddish-brown hair. He was yelling and surfing down the road on a wave of sand. Everyone came out of their homes to look at the nin from Suna.

The next thing people noticed was a boy in green spandex with a mushroom cut. The green boy was chasing the one with the sand.

Gaara, as they called the one from Suna, tripped over Kakashi's head and went sprawling onto the street.

Lee, as they called the one in spandex, raced over and picked up Gaara, bridal style. "The power of youth prevails!" he yelled, racing away with Gaara in his arms.

Asuna looked back at Kakashi. His face had smashed into the sidewalk and his nose was bleeding.

"Are you ok?" she asked, in a worried voice. Kakashi looked at her and chuckled.

"You look like Yuka, from volume three of Icha Icha Paradise!" he exclaimed.

"Adeat!" yelled Asuna. That's when she hit Kakashi with her Harisen. Kakashi went flying across town. "Pervert," Asuna mumbled.

"What's Icha Icha Paradise?" Negi asked.

"Nothing you should read you little brat!" Asuna yelled, blushing. (How Asuna knows what Icha Icha Paradise is, I do not know...)

Hinata, who was still following Negi and Asuna, stared at Asuna. "She's pretty strong with that..." Hinata mumbled to herself. Hinata shrugged and kept following them.

Asuna and Negi went to go find Kakashi again, because they still had questions about Negi's father. When they finally found him, he was at Ichiraku Ramen with two of his students.

"Oi, Kakashi! Tell us some more about Negi's dad!" Asuna demanded. Kakashi sighed and turned around to face her.

"Asuna-kun, all I can do is point you in the last direction Nagi went," Kakashi said, handing them a map.

Asuna snatched the map out of his hands and ushered Negi out of the ramen stand.

Back with Kakashi and Naru+Sasu, Sasuke and Naruto were staring at their sensei.

"How are you alive?" Naruto asked.

"That kid, Negi-kun, brought me back to life..." Kakashi said, raising his hand up to order a bowl of ramen.

Sasuke sighed and slyly slipped an arm around Naruto's waist. It caused Naruto to spit ramen all over Kakashi.

* * *

Well, I got bored of typing so thats all for now!! I have to start writing the next chapter of my DN Angel story...hahahaha!!! I'm happy right now!!

--Taryn/Soda-chan


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